i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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