Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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