1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
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FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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