I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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