I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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