My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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