he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
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him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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