You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
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If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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