I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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