I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
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someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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