All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
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