Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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