i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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