my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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