All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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