I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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