I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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