onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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