help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just gift wrapped bread.
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Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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