So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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