I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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