I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize