You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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