i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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