Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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