i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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