I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
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Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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