Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
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My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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