Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
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Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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