Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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