I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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