So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
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my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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