what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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