all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my liver is dry heaving
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize