So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
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Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
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The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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