I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am available for nakedness
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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