did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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