I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
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He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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