I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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