I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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