I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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