I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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