[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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