At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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