The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
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Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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