i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
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Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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