I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
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I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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