legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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