My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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