No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
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I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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